This blog posting is part of a standup routine that I have performed. The reason for sharing this is because standup comedy has taught me a lot about standing in front of a group of people, delivering a presentation and writing the presentation. A recent quote sums up writing, “Brevity is the soul of lingerie. It has to be long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep it interesting.” This type of writing is necessary in today’s short-attention span world. Stage lights come up……
My name is Peter Margaritis and I pronounced my last name like a cocktail but as you can see my last name ends IS and should be pronounced like an inflammation, MargarITIS [pause] like hepatitis, gingivitis, laryngitis, bronchitis, conjunctivitis and vaginitis, you get the picture.
- [tag] My name’s NOT FUN It sounds like something that needs a [pause] Z-Pack.
All parents have their little dirty secrets. When I was 12, I learned my parents’ secret, I was adopted. My dad slipped up during an argument. Instead of saying, “Look son, I brought you into this world and I can take you out” he said, “Look son, I bought you [pause] and I can sell you.”
- [tag] My brother was adopted and because we were paid for out of same checking account [pause] and I consider us identical twins.
- [tag] They didn’t have a receipt for my sister because she was [pause] shoplifted.
There are benefits to being adopted. It can be fun. Under family medical history, I write Abandoned at Walmart. At family reunions, I can hit on my hot cousins. At state fairs, I look for carnies [pause] and give them father’s day cards.
Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is important in today’s society. Watching the Macy’s Parade, I heard the announcer say, “McDonald’s spreads across the globe: joy, happiness [pause] and diabetes.”
- [tag] WOW, that hit way too close because I am a Type 1 diabetic, which is ok. [pause] It’s the only time I’ve ever been #1.
- [tag] Being diabetic, there are some FOODS I miss. White Castle, Skyline [pause] and edible undies.
I am like many of us who is trying to lose weight. Researches say if you want to lose 15 lbs in 15 days, drink eight glasses of water a day. If you want to lose 15 lbs in 15 hours, make sure that water [pause] is Third World.
- [tag] Losing weight is easy, I am on the bourbon diet. I have lost 30 pounds, 10 points of body fat [pause] and my driver’s license.
Marriage takes a lot of work and I have been married for 21 years, consecutively. We agreed to hang in there for the first 10 and if we did, she would find a creative way of keeping the suspense in our marriage. She has, because for each of the last 11 years she has exercised [pause] the marriage option.
Marriage is more of a compromise and I am trying to get more of what I want. The other day she was looking in the mirror and asked me “Honey do you think I need a facelift?” I tried to turn this to my advantage and said “no one will look at your face [pause] if you get a boob job.”
- [tag] Hey, I took a shot! But then she said, [pause] You option has expired
Raising kids is hard. Relationships change. My son, Stephen and I were like tight like fingers crossed when he was eight. At 12 we drifted apart a little like fingers side-by-side. Now at 16 we are like [pause] the middle finger.
I don’t understand why parents complain about their teenagers texting all the time. I encourage my son to text because who really WANTS to talk to teenage. He will ask, “Dad, I can I borrow some money?” I reply, “send me a text!” He will ask, “Dad, I can I stay up late?” I reply, Send Me A Text. He will say, “Really, Dad.” Then I will text him [pause] an emoji of the middle finger.
A friend of mine called me before my son’s 16th birthday and asked, “What does a 16 year old boy want for his birthday.” I replied, [pause] hand lotion.
I realize that I haven’t done the best job of bring my son up in the church. My mother asked my son if he knew the 10 commandments. He said , of course, [pause] “you have the right to remain silent and anything you say can be used anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law.”
- [tag] Guess what, [pause] I am up for adoption again.
Thank you very much. You have been a great audience.
In future blog posts, I will share more of my stand-up writing, along with some of my sketch comedy writing. If you want to be a better writer, you must practice. If you want to add humor to your presentations, you must practice. Don’t be Allen Iverson! Practice everyday.